i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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