No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if only i could text you this smell
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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