I faked an abortion last night.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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