hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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