I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
