So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
