Im at strip club and am horny
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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