Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
