just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
soo... how was my night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
