You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
