I'm so fucking centered right now
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
