No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So vagazzling was a success
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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