i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
