Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
And then he peed in my hair
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