Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
