When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
