Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
