You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
