i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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