We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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