just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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