just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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