Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
