I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
