If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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