Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
