best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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