Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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