there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
