Who did Billy Mays play for?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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