guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
