i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
