Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
