I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
