i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
