If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
