I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
