dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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