don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
