you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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