The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
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