dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
