Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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