it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize