If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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