I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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