i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
