9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
