Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
