i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
