he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
