this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
