I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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