When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
a search helicopter?!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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