I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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