he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
