totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
