3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
